I have boundary issues with people, romantically. Or maybe that's not fair to say. To have issues with boundaries, one must first have boundaries. But I dissapear into the person I love. I am the permeable membrane. If I love you, you can have everything. You can have my time, my devotion, my ass, my money, my family, my dog, my dog's money, my dog's time - everything. If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume for you all your debts (in every definition of the word), I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself, and I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all this and more, until I get so exhausted and depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else.
I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a person, rather than with the person themselves, and then I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for that person to ascend to their own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism.
I've broken my own heart so many times I've stopped keeping track.
How do I just let it go? And why the hell do I keep falling for unavailable people?!
And why is it always a friend? How do I make these friends? These wonderful, fantastic people, who have offered me friendship and platonic love. Who have not led me on, in any way. Who have not asked for my affection.
How do I keep doing this to myself?
Ugh. I'm such an idiot.
I am someone who says "yes" before I say "no" and have had to learn to say "wait" and take time to use my brain and not my heart to decide. It isn't easy and it isn't spontaneous and it isn't convenient...but after I've waited, then my "yes" means so much more.
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