Well, I did it. Another link in the chain. Last night I met my biological uncle and his family. (For privacy, and funzies, let's call them Dharma and Greg, because that T.V. show was awesome).
And it wasn't nearly as terrifying as I thought it would be!
Ok, so the first half hour (ok- hour), I was terrified, nervous, and nauseated. God, just walking up to the door...I think I got to the top step and was ready to turn back. No one even gave me a warning or checked that I was ready! Ok, maybe they did. But with all the blood rushing in my head, it's not like I was actively paying attention! I was just trying not to pass out! And then the door opened, and there they were.
Dharma, of course, was wonderful. Bright, and funny, and sweet, and warm, and gorgeous, and fantastic- just like I knew she'd be. Just as warm as she seemed though email and the blogosphere. Thank the Goddess.
And Greg... I think I stared at him for a good 5 minutes...God knows it took me longer to open my mouth and say anything that wasn't nonsensical. I've grown so used to not seeing my face in any of my relatives. I searched for years when I was younger, to find my face in my grandmother's, my aunt's, my dad's... all to no avail. But now... I see pieces of me. Here and there. Around the eyes, the cheekbones... There's a lot of me in BioGram as well. It's so crazy, so weird, so strange to see my face all around me.
When I first met BioGram, she showed my a picture of my Biological Mother pregnant with me. I think I grabbed it out of her hands, because that woman in the picture, that woman who I will never know, had my face. The whole damn thing. I wasn't looking at pieces... I was looking at me. I think I held that picture the rest of the hour or so we were there in that coffee shop. Every time I looked at it, my eyes filled with tears, and it hurt to see it more that it comforted or healed (although it did those things as well), but I just couldn't let it go; couldn't put it down.
So yes, Greg was awesome. Very frank, and funny, and honest. Very high energy, very talkative. There were several points during the evening he would say something and in my head I would think "oh thank god! oh thank god he's cool." I had absolutely no idea what to expect, no idea what I was walking into. But the company was nice, and the food was amazing! and I had a nice time. A really, really nice time. I'd like to hang out with Greg once or twice on my own...or at least without my parents there. My parents are wonderful people, but I'm not nearly as open around them as I am by myself. Don't get my wrong! I adore my mother. I worship her! But there is a certain level of judgement that occurs whenever I open my mouth...
I think she's worried I'm going to say something scandalizing. Meh. I dunno... It's just an unspoken rule. There are some things I don't discuss with or around my folks. Like Karly. She and I dated for over a year, and my parent's won't talk about her. My mom freezes up and goes really quiet every time I mention her.
...Am I babbling? I'm babbling, aren't I. Sorry.
So, yes, dinner was good. I had a very nice time, after I stopped being terrified, and they were very nice people. And at some point I'm gonna grow a pair, and ask Greg if we can grab coffee or something. Just some shitty diner coffee in a dinky little diner (read- nuteral zone) and just... I dunno... get to know each other a bit. I don't know how much of an open book he is, and there's so much history that I don't know about... He said at one point that I look so much like his sister...and I know next to nothing about her. This woman who gave me life, gave me a chance; I know her name, her struggles...but little else.
Ugh... still with the babbling...
Ok, dinner was good. I didn't indulge in a flask or several shots before the journey up, so I stayed sober. The people were nice, the food was good, and I didn't pass-out, puke, or cry.
I'm calling it a win.
