"Love Means Never Having To Say You're Sorry" Wait... What?!

"Apologizing doesn't always mean you are in the wrong. Sometimes, you do it because you value your relationships more than your pride." - The Internet

Yes. I am an apologizer. It's what I do. I will almost always take the fall, or the blame, or the backlash, or whatever, simply because I value who I am with more than my ego. Not to say that I don't have an big ego, or a shit-ton of pride, because if you've met me you know that I do. I just find it easier to apologize. It makes the issue go away, and we move on faster.
Not to say that I don't get angry, because, boy do I! But, I get over it. I'll be pissed, or at least incredibly annoyed, for like three hours, go to sleep, and when I wake up, it's fine.
Example: the room mate and I are both artists.
She's got OCD, I have a huge need for organized chaos. She's a stage manager, I'm an actor.
We've found several compromises and we both do our best to see the other person's point of view and to talk about any issues with gentleness, honesty, and affection.
However... Sometimes you just have a day. We both had one yesterday.
The night before, she asked if she could have the apartment for the day. I said yes, provided I could make a super quick pit-stop mid-evening to grab stuff for the show I was doing that night. She said that was fine and asked for an estimated time which I gave.
Now, Seattle traffic is not always kind. Especially when you have a bridge that goes up and fucks up your whole time-table. She texts, annoyed that I'm not keeping to the appointed time. I text, annoyed at traffic. She responds, annoyed and my annoyance, I respond to her annoyance with annoyance, and so it goes. Finally I just say "fuck it" and go straight to the theatre, without my makeup, and a few key costume pieces. God Bless my other actors who were willing to loan me stuff to make my piece work. But, I showed up fuming, and all the other actors could feel it. I bummed a cigarette of one, had a glass of wine, calmed myself down, and went onstage and did my show. I then drove to my mom and dad's place, where they were thrilled to have me spend the night. (There are benefits to being an only child. Empty Nest totally works in your favor!) I went to bed pissed. Woke up annoyed. And at work, I thought.
Of course she was annoyed. I wasn't where I said I would be, when I said I would be there. Now, I may not have had much control over the situation, however, this was an opportunity to let it go. She's under a lot of stress right now, with work and the show she's stage managing and the other artistic projects she is working on. She needed a day, and she felt that I had created a wrinkle in her neatly ironed plans. I get it. My fault? No. Easier to apologize instead of continuing to be angry? Yes.
She had her "10 to 10" today, which is basically an all-day rehearsal in the space doing everything and anything you can to polish the piece and try to start working out all technical bugs. So after I got off work, I went shopping. I went and bought her a few goodies: peanut butter cups, socks, a gift card to chipotle, and a bowl. (Yes, a bowl. It was cute and she liked it.) I also baked her a cake. A German Chocolate cake. From scratch. I did all the dishes, and cleaned the entire kitchen (which I knew would appeal to the OCD in her). I left her pretty wrapped present and cake with a sweet card on our living room coffee table, and went off to the show.
I walked in the door, and she was just so happy to see me! She was so thankful for her day yesterday, and so pleased and surprised with the little present I had left... It was wonderful. Her energy was so much more positive, and uplifting, and healthy... She just needed a mental-health day, and I was able to give it to her, and make it better. And I feel so, so good about that.
In the 70's movie Love Story, there's this really stupid quote that flows throughout the whole movie. "Love means never having to say you're sorry."  
Bullshit. Love means saying sorry all the freaking time. Sorry I forgot to take out the garbage, Sorry I didn't return the library books, Sorry I wasn't where I said I would be when I said I would be there.
Love is all about sorry, because real love is valuing your person, and your relationship with that person, more that you value being right.
Perhaps this post comes off as preachy. I don't mean for it to. I guess it's just me working things out in my head. I'm much happier saying sorry than being right.
...well, most of the time, anyway.    :-)

You are the answer to a question that I never posed

It's easy to say "I love you anyway" but I don't. I love you because.

I just got back from the fantastic matinee performance of Spring Awakening at Balagan Theatre. It was incredible. It made me fall in love with theatre - modern theatre- all over again. I had a few friends in the show, and it was wonderful just watching them shine. And, of course, I was once again filled with a deep longing. A need. A yearning.
I must perform.
Several moments, I felt tears streaming down my face, and I couldn't even remember starting to cry. There were a select few moments in the show that I felt the hair on my arms and the back of my neck literally stand on end. I actually got goosebumps. But that's what good theatre does.
Not to say that this is a show for everyone. It certainly isn't. I'd rate it NC-17. PG-13 at the very very very least. It's not a show for the masses. It's a show for the few. For the young. For the rebels. For the confused. For the desperate. For the ones who need to make a difference, who need to belong, who need to question.
It's a show, in essence, about sex. And there's nothing wrong with that. But our society is still so sheltered, sex is still so taboo. And don't even mention masterbation!
I looked up the youtube video for the Tony performance. They can say the word "Bitch" onstage, but all the lyrics referring to masturbation or wet dreams had to be changed. Interesting they way society has evolved. And hasn't.
But, back to my origional point. The show was fantastic, and it filled me with the hunger for the stage. Again. As usual.
Now, I've got my own show coming up. It opens on Thursday, actually. (Whoops!)
But GOD I wish I could do a show about something revolutionary. A show with a message.
Which is why I enjoyed HAIRSPRAY so much I think. (I was just in HAIRSPRAY with Seattle Musical Theatre. I was Tracy. It was awesome). That show had several clear messages: Racism is dumb. Segregaion is wrong. Big people can be pretty.
I just... need to be in a musical again. A revolutionary musical. A show where my soul soars and my heart goes crazy and I fall in love with my life all over again every single night.
I need to act. It's who I am.

Hello? World?

Well... Curtain up and light the lights. I have started a blog....
Ugh.I kind of feel like I'm selling out. But, I have a story to tell. A journey to make.
And I'm sorta kinda maybe hoping the universe might give me some guidance. Or at least that this blog will help me look at and figure out things in my life before it all turns to drama....get it? Because I'm an actor? Oy. Tough crowd.
I'm basically going to use this blog like a journal. But be open to comment and suggestion.So, let's get the ball rolling, shall we?
Hi!I'm Kate. A 20-something actor in Seattle, WA. I'm not outrageously successful by any means, but I've done some really good work that I can be proud of, and I'm following my dreams. So I'm calling it a win.
Other fun facts: I'm a Cancer. I believe in astrology. I love to eat and cook (because food is awesome). I'm an alchoholic. I'm working on getting sober. I love art. And Shakespeare. And the color red. Deep red. Burgandy. The color of a good Shiraz. I prefer pearls to diamonds. I'm grew up Catholic but no longer practice. I consider myself Pagan. I love my Tarot cards. I'm plus size. Curvy. Full Figured. I love my body. I'm sexy. I like alternative music but have a soft spot for the oldies. I trust too easily and therefore cannot stand people who lie. I'm adopted.
Let's play with that last one there, shall we? I'm adopted. I've always known. I grew up with that knowledge. My adoption, however, was private and closed. Meaning I've never had any information or contact with or about my biological family. Unitl now.
A few months ago my mother dropped the bombshell that not only do my parents know who and where my biolocal family is, my father actually worked with my biological maternal grandmother.
Um, WHAT?! Oh, ok after years of calling hospitals, lawyers, geneologists, searching for even a crumb of information, you're telling me YOU KNOW THEM?! WHAT THE HELL?!
So, naturally, I've demanded some answers. Ok, I begged for answers. And then just for information. A city. An e-mail address.The last request was granted. I was given my biological maternal grandmother's email address. Out of respect for her privacy I'm going to refer to her as "Jean."
Jean and I have been emailing back and forth a little bit, which has been awesome. And nervewracking. And scary as hell. But, we'll see how it goes.
I'll be updating often with stories of how this is going. And how my acting career is going. And about my life in general. Like I said, I'll be using this blog as a public journal.
Wish me luck. All happy thoughts are appreciated.
blessed be,
Kate