I don't want to be the girl who laughs the loudest, or the girl who never wants to be alone. I don't want to be that call at 4 o'clock in the morning because I'm the only one you know in the world that won't be home.
But oh, the sun is blinding. I stayed up again. Oh, I am finding that's not the way I want my story to end.
I don't want to be the girl who has to fill the silence. The quiet scares me because it screams the truth. Please don't tell me that we had that conversation. I won't remember, save your breath, so what's the use?
But oh, the night is calling... and it whispers to me softly "come and play!"
Oh, I am falling. And if I let myself go I'm the only one to blame.
When it's good, then it's good, and it's so good until it goes bad, until you're trying to find the you that you once had. I have heard myself cry, "never again!" Broken down in agony just trying to find a friend.
I'm safe up high; nothing can touch me. But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside, it's like perfection.
So how do I feel this good sober?
I'm coming down, coming down, coming down, spinning round, spinning round, spinning round...
Looking for myself.
I've been sober for 6 days. This is a big deal for me.
After lengthy discussion with my room mate, and lots of thinking, we've declared the apartment a booze-free zone. I did a nice, small little ritual of pouring out the vodka in the freezer, and a small cleansing spell for the apartment. Room mate has made the beer disappear, and we have no wine, so I think we've been successful. I've been substituting tea when out, and that seems to be working well, although there are not enough words in the English language do describe how desperately I want to wrap my lips around a sweet, cold, bottle of beer. I've talked to a few friends about going sober, and most of them are really supportive. It's been harder with the friends I tend to party with. Many of them don't seem to understand. I've started using the phrase "for a while" instead of "going sober", and many of them seem to be more comfortable with that. But as much as I want it to be just "for a while", I don't think it can be. There's a history of alcoholism in my family, and I am most definitely an alcoholic. I didn't start drinking heavily until I was 22, and I pretty much didn't stop until a few days ago. I didn't drink to excess, in the sense that I wouldn't drink to get drunk, but I drank constantly; i.e. I drank a few drinks almost every night. Or afternoon. Or if I was out with people. I started suspecting that I was overdoing it, and so I set rules. I had two: Never drink alone, and Never when I'm working. Which worked really well for a while. Until I went to Wisconsin. And shot all my progress to hell. And I gained ten pounds back. Ugh! So after drinking more, and more, and more, and catching myself popping a beer at ten in the morning on my day off alone, I figured I might have a problem. I've got a small support system, and I'm looking at AA like options as well. (AA is probably not my best choice, as I REALLY don't like platitudes, and I kinda want to rip my eyes out whenever I read the serenity prayer. And frankly, after reading a few pamphlets, AA sounds startlingly like a cult.)
But yes. Working of being sober. Once choice at a time.
Hello, my name is Kate, and I'm an alcoholic
