Singing the procrastination song... lalalalala.
Last day of class at SCDS. Summer break! For the kids of course. Not me! Kate take a break? You must be high. When do I ever take a break?! I actually took my first vacation in 6 years last summer. Three awesome, awesome days.
Had a wonderful conversation with a friend last night. We've got one of those suuuuuper complicated friendships where we should be in a relationship but the timing was just wrong and now that window is pretty much gone. I really miss the idea of US. He said something lovely to me, that if it ever actually did happen, for some crazy reason, that we'd have a really solid marriage. No idea how the romance would work, but we'd have a really solid marriage, and I'd make a wonderful mother.
I'm not ashamed to say I cried a little bit on the inside. We'd have been really great together. But too much time has passed and we've both changed so much. For the better, yes, but we've stopped growing in the same direction. In most ways, anyway.
I've been single for about four months, and haven't been in a show for two months. So now's about the time that little vampire, that little voice in the back of my head swoops in. Filling me with doubt, insecurity, thoughts of self consciousness, feelings of worthlessness, making me second-guess everything. This little vampire is the vampire of despair. The one that wakes me up at four in the morning to say things like "who do you think you're kidding?" or "You look like a fool" or "no matter how hard you try you'll never be good enough..."
Why is it if some dude walked up to me at the bus stop and said these things I'd think he was a mentally ill asshole, but if the vampire inside my head says is- it's the voice of reason...
That mean vampire gets to me at night when the house is quiet. I start questioning my parenting skills and dwelling on everything I did wrong. Feels terrible. My hubby tells me to think of 5 things I did well. It really helps to silence my own negative thoughts (the vampire).
ReplyDeleteThat's a really neat idea. I think I'll try that next time.
DeleteAnyone who is thoughtful about themself and their place in the world has to fight the vampire. At best, it keeps us from self-fish complacency. At worst, it makes us think we are weak or worthless. Rational thought tells us that isn't true but those emotions keep pecking away. I agree with mama of 5. I also find that walking helps...in the woods and/or by the water. I find that telling myself what I know to be ture and good (even writing it down sometimes) helps if I follow up by saying - my feelings will catch up with my brain. I just need to give myself a week and those feelings will remember all the truth of that brain - those "5 things" you do well.
ReplyDeleteFair point well made, BioGram. Just walking and reminding myself that my feelings catch up up with my brain sounds like a very good idea.
DeleteI love being "BioGram" :)
ReplyDelete