...But they are fully allowed to whine.
I have to go to a wedding this June. In Spokane. A friend is getting married, and they're having a nice, big, fancy, foofy ceremony at a Winery, with a semi-formal reception to follow.
I think that's great. I am so happy they are able to afford and create what is sure to be a beautiful and very enjoyable event.
But I'm poor. Really freakin poor. Live below the poverty line, eat one meal a day, kind of poor. And I can't really afford the gas to drive the 5-fucking-hours it will take me to get there. Or the hotel/motel room I'm going to have to book so I have somewhere to stay so I don't have to start my 5 hour drive home tipsy at 11pm. AND I'll have to take the whole weekend off work. Not just the day, the weekend. To drive there, stay there, and drive back. And I think the part I'm most bitter and annoyed about, more than the money, the drive, the loss of work, is the fact that I'm doing it all alone.
I have no date. I am dateless. I'm gonna be that awkward single girl at the fancy wedding. Again.
Yes, my girlfriend and I broke up two months ago. Yes, I haven't been on a real date with a guy in, I'm gonna go ahead and say, 18 months. I haven't "hung out" with anyone romantically worthwhile in years. I'm settle-down and raise a family girl. Not that I want to immediately, but that's my plan for the long term. And my two best options are gay men who may also someday want to have a family.
I am so tired of wasting my time on people who don't pan out; who are trashy, unmotivated, irresponsible, and have no desire to further a life or relationship with me. I'm tired of Seattle Men.
Ugh. And I just don't feel right about asking a friend. I can't ask someone to just give up a weekend to sit in a car, rub elbows with people they don't know, and share a shoddy room with me. It's not fair.
So, I'll suck it up, go to the wedding, probably have a nice time, and sleep in a shitty hotel. I'll smile, and be polite, and say all the right things. But right now, this moment, I think I'm allowed to be annoyed.
End Whine.
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Maybe I Like It This Way
Choices.
Every action will have and equal and opposite reaction. Right? I mean, that's what we all learned in school. That in everything there is a cause and effect, every choice you make will have repercussions.
And the worst choices are the ones where you don't know if they were wrong or not.
When you know that you can only open the window a crack, because you're not allowed to walk in the door. The door is off limits. The most you get is peeking through the window. And sometimes it's not enough. But you never knew that, because you never even thought of the door as an option. Until it wasn't allowed to be an option anymore.
I guess what I'm trying to say is... relationships are complicated.
What do you do? When your conscience is confused. I've talked it over. I've gone to someone else. I didn't do anything wrong... But why do I feel guilty?
...Boys are dumb
Every action will have and equal and opposite reaction. Right? I mean, that's what we all learned in school. That in everything there is a cause and effect, every choice you make will have repercussions.
And the worst choices are the ones where you don't know if they were wrong or not.
When you know that you can only open the window a crack, because you're not allowed to walk in the door. The door is off limits. The most you get is peeking through the window. And sometimes it's not enough. But you never knew that, because you never even thought of the door as an option. Until it wasn't allowed to be an option anymore.
I guess what I'm trying to say is... relationships are complicated.
What do you do? When your conscience is confused. I've talked it over. I've gone to someone else. I didn't do anything wrong... But why do I feel guilty?
...Boys are dumb
Sunday, April 29, 2012
"Love Means Never Having To Say You're Sorry" Wait... What?!
"Apologizing doesn't always mean you are in the wrong. Sometimes, you do it because you value your relationships more than your pride." - The Internet
Yes. I am an apologizer. It's what I do. I will almost always take the fall, or the blame, or the backlash, or whatever, simply because I value who I am with more than my ego. Not to say that I don't have an big ego, or a shit-ton of pride, because if you've met me you know that I do. I just find it easier to apologize. It makes the issue go away, and we move on faster.
Not to say that I don't get angry, because, boy do I! But, I get over it. I'll be pissed, or at least incredibly annoyed, for like three hours, go to sleep, and when I wake up, it's fine.
Example: the room mate and I are both artists.
She's got OCD, I have a huge need for organized chaos. She's a stage manager, I'm an actor.
We've found several compromises and we both do our best to see the other person's point of view and to talk about any issues with gentleness, honesty, and affection.
However... Sometimes you just have a day. We both had one yesterday.
The night before, she asked if she could have the apartment for the day. I said yes, provided I could make a super quick pit-stop mid-evening to grab stuff for the show I was doing that night. She said that was fine and asked for an estimated time which I gave.
Now, Seattle traffic is not always kind. Especially when you have a bridge that goes up and fucks up your whole time-table. She texts, annoyed that I'm not keeping to the appointed time. I text, annoyed at traffic. She responds, annoyed and my annoyance, I respond to her annoyance with annoyance, and so it goes. Finally I just say "fuck it" and go straight to the theatre, without my makeup, and a few key costume pieces. God Bless my other actors who were willing to loan me stuff to make my piece work. But, I showed up fuming, and all the other actors could feel it. I bummed a cigarette of one, had a glass of wine, calmed myself down, and went onstage and did my show. I then drove to my mom and dad's place, where they were thrilled to have me spend the night. (There are benefits to being an only child. Empty Nest totally works in your favor!) I went to bed pissed. Woke up annoyed. And at work, I thought.
Of course she was annoyed. I wasn't where I said I would be, when I said I would be there. Now, I may not have had much control over the situation, however, this was an opportunity to let it go. She's under a lot of stress right now, with work and the show she's stage managing and the other artistic projects she is working on. She needed a day, and she felt that I had created a wrinkle in her neatly ironed plans. I get it. My fault? No. Easier to apologize instead of continuing to be angry? Yes.
She had her "10 to 10" today, which is basically an all-day rehearsal in the space doing everything and anything you can to polish the piece and try to start working out all technical bugs. So after I got off work, I went shopping. I went and bought her a few goodies: peanut butter cups, socks, a gift card to chipotle, and a bowl. (Yes, a bowl. It was cute and she liked it.) I also baked her a cake. A German Chocolate cake. From scratch. I did all the dishes, and cleaned the entire kitchen (which I knew would appeal to the OCD in her). I left her pretty wrapped present and cake with a sweet card on our living room coffee table, and went off to the show.
I walked in the door, and she was just so happy to see me! She was so thankful for her day yesterday, and so pleased and surprised with the little present I had left... It was wonderful. Her energy was so much more positive, and uplifting, and healthy... She just needed a mental-health day, and I was able to give it to her, and make it better. And I feel so, so good about that.
In the 70's movie Love Story, there's this really stupid quote that flows throughout the whole movie. "Love means never having to say you're sorry."
Bullshit. Love means saying sorry all the freaking time. Sorry I forgot to take out the garbage, Sorry I didn't return the library books, Sorry I wasn't where I said I would be when I said I would be there.
Love is all about sorry, because real love is valuing your person, and your relationship with that person, more that you value being right.
Perhaps this post comes off as preachy. I don't mean for it to. I guess it's just me working things out in my head. I'm much happier saying sorry than being right.
...well, most of the time, anyway. :-)
Yes. I am an apologizer. It's what I do. I will almost always take the fall, or the blame, or the backlash, or whatever, simply because I value who I am with more than my ego. Not to say that I don't have an big ego, or a shit-ton of pride, because if you've met me you know that I do. I just find it easier to apologize. It makes the issue go away, and we move on faster.
Not to say that I don't get angry, because, boy do I! But, I get over it. I'll be pissed, or at least incredibly annoyed, for like three hours, go to sleep, and when I wake up, it's fine.
Example: the room mate and I are both artists.
She's got OCD, I have a huge need for organized chaos. She's a stage manager, I'm an actor.
We've found several compromises and we both do our best to see the other person's point of view and to talk about any issues with gentleness, honesty, and affection.
However... Sometimes you just have a day. We both had one yesterday.
The night before, she asked if she could have the apartment for the day. I said yes, provided I could make a super quick pit-stop mid-evening to grab stuff for the show I was doing that night. She said that was fine and asked for an estimated time which I gave.
Now, Seattle traffic is not always kind. Especially when you have a bridge that goes up and fucks up your whole time-table. She texts, annoyed that I'm not keeping to the appointed time. I text, annoyed at traffic. She responds, annoyed and my annoyance, I respond to her annoyance with annoyance, and so it goes. Finally I just say "fuck it" and go straight to the theatre, without my makeup, and a few key costume pieces. God Bless my other actors who were willing to loan me stuff to make my piece work. But, I showed up fuming, and all the other actors could feel it. I bummed a cigarette of one, had a glass of wine, calmed myself down, and went onstage and did my show. I then drove to my mom and dad's place, where they were thrilled to have me spend the night. (There are benefits to being an only child. Empty Nest totally works in your favor!) I went to bed pissed. Woke up annoyed. And at work, I thought.
Of course she was annoyed. I wasn't where I said I would be, when I said I would be there. Now, I may not have had much control over the situation, however, this was an opportunity to let it go. She's under a lot of stress right now, with work and the show she's stage managing and the other artistic projects she is working on. She needed a day, and she felt that I had created a wrinkle in her neatly ironed plans. I get it. My fault? No. Easier to apologize instead of continuing to be angry? Yes.
She had her "10 to 10" today, which is basically an all-day rehearsal in the space doing everything and anything you can to polish the piece and try to start working out all technical bugs. So after I got off work, I went shopping. I went and bought her a few goodies: peanut butter cups, socks, a gift card to chipotle, and a bowl. (Yes, a bowl. It was cute and she liked it.) I also baked her a cake. A German Chocolate cake. From scratch. I did all the dishes, and cleaned the entire kitchen (which I knew would appeal to the OCD in her). I left her pretty wrapped present and cake with a sweet card on our living room coffee table, and went off to the show.
I walked in the door, and she was just so happy to see me! She was so thankful for her day yesterday, and so pleased and surprised with the little present I had left... It was wonderful. Her energy was so much more positive, and uplifting, and healthy... She just needed a mental-health day, and I was able to give it to her, and make it better. And I feel so, so good about that.
In the 70's movie Love Story, there's this really stupid quote that flows throughout the whole movie. "Love means never having to say you're sorry."
Bullshit. Love means saying sorry all the freaking time. Sorry I forgot to take out the garbage, Sorry I didn't return the library books, Sorry I wasn't where I said I would be when I said I would be there.
Love is all about sorry, because real love is valuing your person, and your relationship with that person, more that you value being right.
Perhaps this post comes off as preachy. I don't mean for it to. I guess it's just me working things out in my head. I'm much happier saying sorry than being right.
...well, most of the time, anyway. :-)
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