It Feels Like I Am Just Too Close To Love You

So, here I am in Portland again.
I have an odd habit of running away every couple of months. Although I don't know if you can call it "running away", because I always tell people where I am going...
Maybe it's just a way to escape.
I don't get to take REAL vacations, so I guess this is just the next best thing. A couple of days with a friend in a city that is just far enough away that it'd be very difficult to make it a day trip.

I love this city. Close to everything. Amazing food (no, really. I had Lebanese for lunch, crepes for breakfast, thai for dinner... SO GOOD), easy to walk and navigate, super pretty (just the right color of green) and the price is fantastic (no sales tax!!!!!).

That being said, I am ready to go home and sleep in my own bed again. And my gentleman friend's bed...

Ok, here's a thing... I've been seeing this guy for over a month, we're not dating anyone else, we're not sleeping with anyone else, but whenever he introduces me to people it's "This is Kate" or (the one that really gets me) "This is my friend, Kate."

FRIEND?! Ok, ok, yes I get it. Maybe he's not ready for the term "girlfriend" and maybe he's of a mind that people don't need to know our personal business...
But when they see us kissing and cuddling and doing all the cute adorable things that couples do, they're gonna pick up on it.

Grrrrr. And he drinks too much. Not around me, anymore, thank goodness. Nipped that one in the bud fairly automatically.
"Um, yeah... I'm an alcoholic... I can't date someone with a drinking problem..."

He still drinks too much. But at least it's not around me.

What else... Oh, he's divorced. (He's 29). He's former Navy, going to college for Administration of Justice stuff, plays pool (he "plays" pool like I "play" at theatre), is a cat person, is pagan (like me) and makes me happy.
He's what I like to call a "charming asshole". He's got the whole alpha male thing going on, but he's terribly considerate, opens doors, pulls out my chair, etc...
I'd love to get him in the same room with my dad...

Ever have that moment when you realize you're dating your father? Yeah.... crap.

Wishing I had the strength to stand

Waiting.

I hate waiting.

I hate waiting at a red light, I hate waiting after I've ordered a meal, and I hate waiting in hospitals.

Also, I hate hospitals.

...Ok, hate is the wrong word. I am terrified of hospitals. The smell, the sounds, the colors and lighting. It all scares the fuck out of me. I can't handle it- the pain, the death, the noises... it all hits me like a wall the moment I walk in.

Grandma had to go to the hospital today. She's getting a kidney removed. She made it through surgery, and she's in recovery. The only question is if/when she is going to wake up. The woman is 87. She's earned the right to take her time.

But I hate waiting.

I hate this room. I hate this uncomfortable chair. I hate the smell of, and how dry my hands are from the constant sanitizing. The really shitty food. 

....I have patience. Enough to spare. I just wish it wasn't necessary.

annoyed face

Is it too much to ask people to follow thru?

If you're going to do something, do it.

If you're going to be somewhere, be there.

If you make plans with me, keep your fucking plans.

I scored awesome hockey tickets to a game tonight. Box seats, VIP parking, super freaking sweet deal. And wouldn't you know... two of my people bailed on me at the last minute. We were supposed to be leaving in less than an hour. What the fuck?! Oh, and one of those people had volunteered to drive us. RAWR.

So now, I've got tickets to give away, a carpool to organize, schedules to shift, as well as the rest of the stuff I was going to cram in to the day.

BLERG.





...On another note, I think I'm moving to Portland in the fall.

I've broken my own heart so many times, I've stopped keeping track

Soooooo I got dumped. Again.
Gahhhh. If you can really even call it that. Three Dates does not a relationship make.

Boys are dumb. Really stupid frickin dumb.

I just dont understand how you can be with a girl, and spend time with her, and snuggle and kiss and do things, and then just not call! For over a week! And then when she finally gets a hold of you, after trying and trying, cuz all she wants you to do is man the fuck up and be honest, be all... Nah, not really. But you're a kickass chick, so go get 'em!

What the fuck! Fuck you, douchebag. Yes, I'm well aware I'm a "kickass chick", you moron. I'm fucking amazing. I'm smart, and fun, and funny, and talented, and interesting, and thoughtful... I'm a fucking delight!

And I'm frustrated. So frustrated. I'm making good choices. No more sleeping with people I've just met, no more drinking, living a "healthier lifestyle" and whatnot...

But seriously! I can't keep a guy around! Not when I give it away, not when I make him work for it...
UGH. I'm 25 years old. I know I've got plenty of time to grow up and be an adult. But there is so much I want to do, and see, and be, and I would really love someone to do and see it all with!

See, this is why I date women. Because at least they (mostly) are clear about what they want! Crazy, yes. But clear. And not so goddam stupid all the time. RAWR.

See there's a reason a good looking, well employed man of his age is still single. I don't know what it is, but it's probably because he's a dumbass.

Gahhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Rant rant rant.

My eyes adored you

I have boundary issues with people, romantically. Or maybe that's not fair to say. To have issues with boundaries, one must first have boundaries. But I dissapear into the person I love. I am the permeable membrane. If I love you, you can have everything. You can have my time, my devotion, my ass, my money, my family, my dog, my dog's money, my dog's time - everything. If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume for you all your debts (in every definition of the word), I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself, and I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all this and more, until I get so exhausted and depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else.
I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a person, rather than with the person themselves, and then I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for that person to ascend to their own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism.

I've broken my own heart so many times I've stopped keeping track.



How do I just let it go? And why the hell do I keep falling for unavailable people?!

And why is it always a friend? How do I make these friends? These wonderful, fantastic people, who have offered me friendship and platonic love. Who have not led me on, in any way. Who have not asked for my affection.

How do I keep doing this to myself?

Ugh. I'm such an idiot.

Procrastination

Singing the procrastination song... lala lalala lalalalala...

So, in theory, I should be writing a script right now...

But I'm just so tired.  I just don't have the energy.

I don't have the energy for much, lately...

I got up at 4:30 this morning, showered, went to work, worked, sat in the store meeting, while simultaneously helping the borrowed partners from another store navigate our store and fill things and prep things for them (all without a break, by the way. That's illegal. I'm a smoker, the law says you HAVE to give me a smoke break. And even if I didn't smoke, I was on the clock for five hours. I am legally entitled to a paid ten minute break, and an unpaid half-hour break.)
After work, I smoked, like... half a pack of cigarettes to compensate for my stress and hunger, hung out and got lunch with two co-workers I just adore! Went and spent money I shouldn't have on a pedicure (but, let's face it, I'm worth it.), drove home and tried to nap, but couldn't. Watched a really shitty episode of SNL, attempted to flirt with a guy I've been flirting with for the better part of a year, and now, I'm blogging.

That was my day. In theory, didn't do much. But I am exhausted. I've got a good iron count, I'm active, and (obviously from my last post) I'm not pregnant. I shouldn't be this tired! UGH.

I'm doing my best to give myself "me time", but even "me time" is exhausting. You know what I would really like? Pampering. I never want pampering. Never. It makes me feel bad. Like a total clod. A total, self-absorbed, selfish, useless to society clod.
But what I wouldn't give for a massage! And someone making me feel pretty and important and necessary.

Maybe that's my issue. I don't feel necessary. I work and teach and work and teach and I'm trying to get my acting shit together, but the universe is kinda working against me right now, and I've stopped drinking, meaning people have stopped inviting me to hang out, so my social life has seriously decreased, so I've become completely grating to those I am hanging out with because I'm totally wearing out my welcome, and for the love of god all I want if for someone to hold me and cuddle me and love me and tell me I'm pretty and worth it and fantastic, because my room mate is always busy, and she's not exactly the cuddly type, and I am so tired of coming home to an empty house.

Wahhhhhhhhhhhh

rant rant rant.

...maybe I'm PMSing?

And I sound just a little pathetic.

But seriously though. Cuddles. I need them. I am thisclose to hopping on craigslist or okcupid.

WHICH IS RIDICULOUS! Because I am FINE being single. I'm HAPPY when I'm single. I do NOT NEED someone to complete me! That's NONSENSE! But I would really like to settle down some day and have a family and my clock is TICKING SO LOUD I can hardly hear myself think!

Also, I watched Rock of Ages the other day, and that movie just really fucking SUCKED.

I am not the ghost you want of me

WARNING!
THIS POST MAY NOT BE APPROPRIATE FOR FAMILY MEMBERS DUE TO LOTS AND LOTS OF OVER SHARING

READ AT YOUR OWN RISK
















... I miss sex.

Like, I really really really really really freaking miss sex.

Seriously.

I mean, yay, I working on becoming emotionally healthy, which is awesome. I have lots of issues regarding self worth tied up in my sexuality. I know where it all comes from. I crave sex because I crave intimacy, because my first few experiences with sexuality were negative, too early, or uncomfortable; and I found that through promiscuity I received more attention and happiness, for however short a period. If I was depressed, I went to the bar, flirted with a pretty lady, or cute guy, and wham-bam-thank you ma'am! And then I felt icky and depressed again. Granted, it was later...
Basically, when my pre-frontal cortex failed to make me happy, promiscuity rewarded me with the needed flood of dopamine. Kind of a "skank reflex" if you will. Now, I was never skanky... Okay, maybe I was, a little... But I blame my incredibly fragile emotional state.

Now, it's been... I'm gonna go ahead and say at least 6 months, although I think it's been longer. And I am dying. Not literally, but it does feel that way sometimes. I have a very healthy sex drive.  There is only so much that having some "special alone happy fun private time" can do for you.

And cuddling! Goddess above, I miss cuddling. Curling up with someone and falling asleep... Waking up with the knowledge that someone is next to you... Spooning... I would give my left hand for some spooning...
Miss it. So much.

But I'm emotionally healthy. Woo.

Also, I think that... since I gave up drinking...I've become really really boring.

That, or my friends are idiots.


I've been listening to three songs on repeat for pretty much the last month and a half.
They are fantastic. I highly recommend you checking them out.

First: Carry On by FUN

Second: Home by Phillip Phillips (Not a typo. That's actually his name. Way to go parents. ugh)

Third: The District Sleeps Alone Tonight by The Postal Service

Listen to these songs.
You will thank me.

Seriously.